J'ai le vague a l'ame

Litterally: I have a vagueness in my soul or something like that. An expression I feel captures my current emotional state. Work is working me. Not so much the regular stuff, but just all of the changes that are happening.

It starts with my continually getting raises. I know, I am nuts to complain about that or to experience undue stress from it. I now feel so much part of the establishment, and for an old hippy, that is a tragedy! But also, from the raise comes more expectation. It has not been overtly stated, and may be my own hang up, but I feel I will have to perform more to earn that raise, not so much that I have been doing lots and deserve it. (Catholic hang up maybe?) I know my boss does appreciate what I have done and continues to do for the agency, and about a year ago, my title was changed from coordinator to supervisor which carried some additional tasks, but not overly. But now, my direct supervisor is moving on from supervising my program to other duties and I will be more in charge, although he is still involved. Part of it is that the lines are not very clear, maybe that is what is draging me down.

Other things that add to the situation is that we do have lots of new folks directly in my "unit." All of these folks bring new styles and needs and ideas and conflicts too. I mourn our old little protected group that was so tight knit. We are now so divided and some folks are not very open and foment behind closed doors. Others want german like structure, which I cannot supply and which horrifies me anyway. My style of leadership is very non-hierarchal and open. I do not want to have harshly regulated meeting when no one can speak their mind. And at the same time, I don't understand why those who dissent cannot just say so during the meeting rather than feeling like they must do so after the fact.

The other part is that I think of my supervisor, who, as far as I know, leads an immensely isolated life, comprised mostly of his work, and little social life. This is the guy that is basically always on-call. He goes on vacation and we can still call him with queries, and some co-workers have done that. That is not the life I want for myself. That is why the raise makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I fear it for the hidden and implied costs to me, to my personal life, to my independence, to my friendships.

I would welcome any comments. Mystic, what is your crystal ball (metaphorical as it may be) telling you? I just feel alone because the person I would normally talk to is part of the target of some other's dissent, so I can't bring my concerns to her. Pffft! (Sound of P'tit sticking her tongue out at the world!)

Pretty picture: