Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for! A house full of friends, delicious food prepared by all the friends, a gorgeous day, being alive and well, and in good spirits most of the time. I guess that is a lot and I do not want for. Except for some fancy boots once in a while!

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

These turkeys were haning around our house back in early october. They have since flown away. They were quite a sight, and I am thankful for that too, the everyday little magic moments.

Boot Dream

I can't remember if it was last night or the night before, but I had a dream where I was buying some boots and trying them on. They were high heels, knee high, brown leather boots and were meant to be very tight around the leg, only my legs were way too small and the boot just hung on my legs, with ton of space around! I know I have small legs and ankles, but this was just ridiculous. I do remember having similar experiences as a child, when I was so small and skinny, even the smallest size would not fit me. I always wanted to white and blue saddled oxford type shoes that were very popular when I was a child and could not get them because my feet were too narrow and the shoes would fall right off! I am not making this up. I remember wanting a Speedo swimsuit as a teen because all of my friends had them and they did not have any that would fit! Somehow the "small legs" dream made me feel a little inadequate and brought up some feelings I had growing up. I was glad to wake up to my normal sized legs that will fill out most shoes and boots nowadays. I wonder if the dream has some relation with me feeling inadequate either at the new job or in my relationship with the Hubby? Any suggestions out there on what the meaning of the dream may be? My current guess is that I need another pair of boots! So I should go shopping. The funny thing is that the Kid called today and she needs some new boots. Maybe my dream picked up some of her brainwaves.

I don't know

Sorry lots of ranting tonight.

I don't know if I'm coming or going these days. The new job, although less hours, I'm not sure if it is going to be as fulfilling as I hoped. I sorta feel numb to it rather than exited and that worries me. The one thing that is still great is teaching. I do enjoy it and look forward to it. The students are fun and we have some great group discussions. They have shared so much of their lives with me and the class, they are great.

I don't know why I feel numb about the new job. I know I miss the folks that were in my life for the last 6 years, and I guess, in some way I miss the leadership role I had. I'm not sure about that. I don't miss getting calls all day long. Or getting calls on week-ends and after hours. I don't miss having the pager, although I did luck out and did not have to take it since July. I do miss my friend, goldilock's mom. But we still see each other outside of work as we did before too. I think I also fear that because I will be surrounded by all these elderly folks (the median age of the workers at my new job is 54, and most client are 80 or above) rather than the younger workforce I am used too will make me age faster. I do enjoy folks telling me I look younger than my age (don't we all, to a point). The hubby makes the money issue seem like a disaster. We did have a huge blowout tonight about cash and all of our responsibilities now that we own a home, and all that shit. Turns out he resent me for changing my job and trying to work less, yet while he was working on the house all summer and fall, he would be frustrated because I could not do much of the work with him (that's what a 45-50 hours a week job, plus a teaching job three hours a week {+ prep time} does) Damned if you do, damned if you don't. AAAUUUGgghhh! I don't know how things will turn out. I still work at my old job two days a week and help with the transitions. So in the end, I still work a ton, I get paid a little less, and I still have little free time. I think after the holidays, when I get down to two jobs it will be easier. And then I can start to see some private clients. Right now I don't know where I would fit them in.

On the plus side, I did go work out today, and that felt good. I need to keep at that since it does make me feel good.

I tried to upload some "pretty pictures" but blogger is not cooperating.

Domesticated

At the risk of seeming domesticated, I will now attempt to post pictures of the new kitchen. I say attempt as blogger has not been so friendly lately. You can first refresh your memory of what the old kitchen looked like, complete with pink sink.









The new kitchen looks something like this:


I know, I know, it's the other side, but you get the idea. The Hubby put an aweful lot of work in there, but we are quite please with the result. I just really hated the greenish cupboard and the grey and pink tiles. So we destroyed the tiles and sanded the cupboards, and worked, and worked, (mostly, he worked and worked while I was at my two jobs) until it looked like this. And we are pretty happy with it. Even with our arms and legs missing! (reference to the cost of the adventure) I know, this domesticity is sorta wierd for me. I'm not much the house sort, and it is a surprize to me to find myself in this spot, where I own a house, (well mostly, the bank does) and I am a "responsible" adult. What is the world coming to? We do have room for visitors, though. Hint hint. And Mystic, you could actually use your baseball bat on something else than a computer down here. The big drawback in my mind is that there goes the traveling budget. And I do love to travel. So I will have to find a way to squirrel some tokens away so that I do not become too house bound. I would find that as tragic. The world is too big and too magnificent to not experience more of it.

Saturday musings

We went to see "stranger than fiction" and I have to say that I really liked it. No unneeded violence, slow, life like pace, good soundtrack. Plus I really love Will Ferrell and Dustin Hoffman. Queen Latifah is not bad either. Tom Hulce was a surprise as he must have gained 60 to 100 pound since I last saw him in anything. He was huge, and looks very different, I barely recognized him. I like this film, sappy ending and all. It really touched me. It vacillated from the very funny to the very tragic, just like life does, and was also very sweet.

On the work front, I'm not so sure I'm very happy with my recent change. Economically, it may be a nightmare, and professionally, I'm not sure my new duties will be clinical enough to keep me happy. I have to wait and see how things shape up and if there are opportunities for any clinical work. I guess it is also tough to go from big cheese to little line worker. There are mounds of paperwork, of course, (what is social work without paper work?, existential question of the century) and maybe very little opportunity to get to know the patients, their families and needs. For example this week, we (me and the woman who is training me) opened 5 cases. Two of them died on Thursday. That's what I call quick turnover! I come from an environment where we spent on average one to two years with a family, supporting them through thick and thin. Maybe once I know more, it will get better. I know I won't miss the incessant calls at all times of the day and evening, but I will miss other things too.

One thing that has been hard for me to hear is that several folks have commented on how relaxed I have looked lately and how I am back to being myself (implied that I must have been a real bitch of late). I wish folks had told me I was so tense or out of control or whatever they saw was not "me." I still feel a lot of guilt toward my good friend and co-worker the "Canadian girl." She has been such a good friend and now she has to do my job and hers, and I worry that she will burn up too. I told her to ask for looooots of $$. The agency need her. I am also considering getting a contract with the agency to continue to provide training and whatever else may be needed.

I also worry a lot about my health insurance. Yes folks, here in the good ol US of A, it is possible for a person to be working 3 jobs, about 45 to 50 hours weekly and not have health insurance. Well I have insurance but it is costing me a lot. $300 for the plan a month, plus since I have some health needs, about another $300 a month. Why do I stay here in the US and not return to Canada, I'm not sure. I guess I like the weather. And Arnold who did not even sign the legislation that only stated that it would consider universal health care. Tsk tsk tsk!

In a flurry time passes

In a hurry too!

I did begin my new job at Hospice Partners and so far so good. Very different from my last job. A lot more social work and not just case management. I'm looking forward to the change. Just being in the old office today brought back all the frustration that I have felt over the past few months and reminds me how I am done with it. Amazing that I lasted so long. What I will miss as I said already is the folks I worked with. Many of which I know I will remain in contact with. After all if I can maintain a relationship with my friends from High school after 33 years and 3,000 miles, I think local friendships, I can manage!

Here are a few pics from Halloween. I had a blast as a vampire dominatrix, hanging out with a sexy cop and somekind of a monk! Unfortunatly, the monk had the camera and the sexy cop got very sick from too much fun.

Here I am whipping some homeless man who said "I'll let you whip me for a buck." Fortunately for him, my whip was very wimpy and did not inflict any pain (barely reached the guy!)